We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
