Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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