I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I currently don't understand fingers.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
