KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
