I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
