i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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