Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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