last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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