he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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