Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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