you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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