haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
