Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
