i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
