MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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