He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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