Hey man sorry I got all grabby
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
