I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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