i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
