When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
