When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
