Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
a search helicopter?!
organizing the empties. That sober.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
