how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
