this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I wear drunk well.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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