Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
