its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
