Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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