You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
