I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
