someone threw a dead crab at me
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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