Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
