Plan B is the new Plan A
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
