Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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