put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
