2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
