you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
