i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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