I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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