Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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