So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Randomize
