got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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