My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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