i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
