is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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