I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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