Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
