This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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