i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
