last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
