So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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