just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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