My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
